Sometimes I'll literally close my fucking eyes and sing along to Britney Spears while holding a huge bag of puffy cheetos and going 90 MPH I should definitely be in heaven with my grandma and Paul Walker (tw: @powerful)
I knew females were the future, but I was not aware of the how fucking killer they were at making signs. ( @ladynaes)
He is literally dreaming about Ivanka's butthole. Her bleached, manicured, sparkling, burrata white butthole. ( @sadmichaeljordan)
OH MY GOD MICHELLE LOOKING RIGHT AT THE CAMERA LIKE SHE'S FUCKING ON "THE OFFICE" AYYYYY LOLOLOL ( @chauncey_murphy)
It's confusing, like how the Schnozzberries guy from Super Troopers is married to the red head with the monster sweater puppies from Mad Men. ( @moistbuddha)
The next 4 seasons of "America" are going to be FUCKING NUTS
@DIPLO IS PLAYING A SECRET SHOW ON MY IRL TOUR IN CHICAGO ON 2/16! YES, EVERYTHING IS FUCKING FREE. (i cursed there for effect) FREE @FOURLOKO, FREE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT COLD CUTS, FREE UNEXPLAINED BRUISES THE NEXT DAY! RSVP NOW, LINK IN BIO. ALSO, DIPLO AND I GOT TATTOOS OF EACHOTHER'S NAMES. MINE IS A TRAMP STAMP, WILL POST LATER. (photo by @ronyalwin)
Ladies: most times we're staring at you because men are giant baby idiots who think everyone wants to receive their milky seed and they are poorly attempting to mate with you, but sometimes it's because you have poppyseeds all up in your teeth.
I woke up next to a girl this morning with huge hands who looks like a young Paul Giamatti. And she had a Dooney & Burke bag. It was horrible. ( @lydiamansel)
THIS YEAR STARTED OFF WITH A MAJESTIC TURKISH SWAGLORD WITH SHINY HAIR SALTING MEAT, WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHERE WE'RE HEADED FROM HERE. ( @memesformemers)
I ate a few weed gummy bears and didn't feel anything so I ate a few more and now I'm way too stoned and have anxiety and this photo is blowing my fucking mind which it really shouldn't (tw: @alsboy)
Do you think they've ever had a sleepover with snacks and videos and maybe Barack drew a dick on Joe's face when he fell asleep too early? ( @thegladstork)
I once saw Wilmer Valderrama in LA wearing fingerless gloves and a beanie on a 93 degree day.
Give me 5 shots of tequila and I will like every single photo of your trip to Portugal with your mom from 86 weeks ago. ( @donny.drama)
BARRY, LET'S DO A J NOW THAT YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED. MAYBE SHOOT SOME HOOPS. I'LL WHOOP YOUR ASS IN MARIO KART FAM.
My mom thinks my Facebook wall is a private message to just me and asked me the other day on there if I was making sure to take my Valtrex :( ( @tank.sinatra)